Hello...
I know I haven't been much of a friend to you in quite sometime, and I have no excuse for it. But one thing I do know is that you never hesitated to listen to my problems or comfort me when I needed you. Now all I need is someone to listen, I don't want advice, just an ear ... or in this case, eyes...

Perhaps this is post graduation blues, but I am unfulfilled. This is not surprising to me since I know that it is in human nature to never be satisfied. But I feel as though if my life lacks one very simple yet vital thing...life.

There's only one thing in my life that makes sense and that has kept me sane for the past year, and that is my significant other and his presence in my life. But I fear that my personal conflicts will interfere with my relationship in a very bad way. He knows I'm not happy with my life, and I have expressed to him how I feel. But he's a "fixer," and a protector as well. I find myself not telling him what bothers me sometimes because he wants to protect me from that which scares me and has solutions to all my problems making them seem as nothing to be afraid of. This is something that I appreciate him doing because it shows me he really loves and cares about me. But his solutions don't give me the tranquility and peace of mind that I seek. His drive to keep the demons away with his protections doesn't make them go away from my thoughts. And he can't understand that...

I'm fairly young, yet I feel like I've been around for much longer than that...and I'm tired (pretty silly, don't you think)? I know I'm not alone, I realize that there are people doing much worse that I am. I have things I take for granted that I am thankful for. But the fact that I'm doing better than starving children in Africa doesn't mean that I am not living in my own personal hell that drains me and ails me as badly. But not many people can understand that.
I envy the people who have been in my situation and tell me that all they had to do was find Jesus so their life's troubles could go away. But I don't believe in religion...I respect people (and envy them as well) who can say "the Lord will find a way" or "it's God's will," when I think doesn't God have better things to do than worry about me waking depressed, I mean what about those starving kids I mentioned earlier. If he doesn't do anything about them, then why would I think that there's something special about me that would make him solve my life problems...

I don't have any friends... my lover is the only person I have... I don't mean this as an insult to you but I'm talking in terms of location, I don't have anyone I can spend time with as a friend other than my lover.
When you were a kid, did you ever catch bugs and put them in a Jar? Well, I feel like a bug in a jar, I watch life go by me and I don't participate, not because I don't want to but because my clear walls don't allow it ... and it's very lonely in here....

Thanks for listening...